47 days (in english)

I've been clean for 47 days. Which means I've been 47 days without cutting. That's the longest time this year. I feel kinda numb so I might cut. I don't really know.

I've gotten kinda addicted to Marina and the Diamonds music. I have listened Electra Heart through like over 20 times. "Teen idle" is the song that kinda tells how I feel now. ("Feeling super, super (SUPER!!!) suicidal" and "Oh God! I'm gonna die alone").

I really have no idea how I should deal with R. I still cause fights even we aren't together. He wants to be my friend and I don't understand why.

I woke up at 1pm and it's already 5.40pm. This day is almost over. That's why it's nice to sleep long. I don't have to fake a smile so long. Even if I might think I don't fake my smiles, the truth is that every time my smile fades in seconds it was a fake smile. And it hurts.

Right now I really consider suicide as an option. When I'm here I only hurt the ones I love. When I'm gone they're free of me and my hurtful words.

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